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- Finding True Love on the Internet
I'm not sure who said that true love can't be found on the Internet but I beg to differ.
It was a lonely point in my life. I had just lost him and was visiting a friend's house. She was an avid user of the internet, finding everything on there. She pulled his picture and said, 'Well, what do you think?'
What could I think? He was unbelievably handsome. He had big, dark brown eyes and pitch black hair. He was a little older than is typically my type but what the heck. He had an old fashioned name…
- Procrastination Emancipation
It's early January as I sit down to research and write this newsletter. I launch my web browser, surf over to MSN.com, surprised to find the feature article displaying a picture of Santa Claus with the caption 'It's not too late to have your presents arrive on time.' Somebody's been procrastinating - either Bill Gates or me (maybe I didn't refresh my browser). Or maybe my computer is trying to give me the hint to stop procrastinating and set about the task of writing this newsletter. Nah... Bil…
- Building Relationships With Humor
As a leader, when you are building social and business relationships, humor is a wonderful tool. In both situations, people want to associate with leaders who have a positive personality and a sense of humor. When you are skilled at using humor, it increases trust and likeability. It builds, and sometimes even rescues, relationships. It clearly strengthens your leadership skills. A significant fringe benefit, it sharpens your ability to use humor in your presentations because you have a better-t…
- Old Sparky! Needlephobia, Nerve Conduction Tests, and Electromyelograms
I felt queasy contemplating the nerve conduction test and electromyelogram (EMG) I was about to have. The nerve conduction test involves taping electrodes to the skin and sending a small jolt of electric current to them. During the EMG, the doctor inserts tiny needles into various muscles and examines the signals displayed on a laptop screen to see how quickly they respond to stimulation. These tests help to determine if there's any nerve impairment or damage. Now, I'm in no position to belittle…
- ODD JOBS
Copyright (c) Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.ODD JOBSOr, what to do while 'Waiting for Godot'...While some may say, 'the world is going to Hades in a handbasket', I say 'piffle!'First, Hades isn't even on my 'To Do' list for today or, for that matter, tomorrow. Second, 'handbaskets' are only for those who enjoy carrying coals to Newcastle or some other Fool's Paradise.Anyway, I prefer to think that life is what you make of it. So, enjoy every minute. And, when you've finished your …
- Finding Lost Children By Greg Gagliardi
A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine…"This is quite a deal," you may be thinking.And I suppose it is. My philosophy was that for every ten minutes…
- My Pet Peeves By Kenneth Hoffman
 Doctor VisitAfter arriving on time, you are kept waiting for one half hour, then,
stripped of your clothes, tapped on the back and without answering
one question, given a prescription for an unnamed ailment that turns
out costing $50 for a medication consisting mostly of Tylenol and a
decongestant. Over and OutIn military terms, 'Over' means "I am turning the microphone over to
you for further transmission".
'Out' means "I am closing the mike and need no further transmissions".
- Paris Hilton Reacts to Barry Bonds Steroid Scandal
*** 3 Jokes about Barry Bonds on Steroids ***
NEW BOOK CLAIMS TO HAVE PROOF BONDS USED STEROIDS
When the media asked if he would read the book, Bonds responded by ripping the 352 page book in half.
The hardcover edition.
Then he removed his Nike baseball cleats, put on his horseshoes and galloped into the forest.
You need proof that Bonds is on steroids?
Look at the photos!
We haven't seen anybody increase this much in size from the late 90's since Britney Spears!
- The Warner Brothers Make Noise
Hollywood was an attractive place for the early filmmakers to settle, full of good weather, orange and lemon trees. For producers who owed money on borrowed camera equipment if a creditor came after them, they could hide among the trees. It was a hard business full of causalities and took a pirate's mentality to survive. Most of the studio heads were from poor backgrounds, with limited English skills and never forgot their childhood or a personal slight. Included were Jack, Harry, Albert and Sam…
- HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH ...XP
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.<strong>HOW TO DO EVERYTHING WITH ...XP
--Or, are you sure Windows XP can fly me to the moon and back? --</strong>The world is moving at a break-neck speed these days, so it's no wonder we're impressed as heck with turbo-charged racing cars, bored out of our trees with fast food, and whacked out of our gourds by something called jet lag.And, since every problem needs a solution including where to find the best beer in town, who insisted on moving …
- Poor Rix's Almanac 8-13-05 By Rix Quinn
Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport WatcherThis game begins with the entrance of referees, people with striped shirts who enforce the rules. Occasionally, someone with striped shirt and long stick may appear, and wander aimlessly. He is a “lost golfer,” and must be removed.Next come the cheerleaders, who bounce onto the field, often displaying skimpy uniforms and bare midriffs. And those are just the guys.The gir…
- I Do Not Like Cable T-V !!! By Marci Bortz
I really hate to complain (sigh) but when I‘m resting at the end of the day, I do NOT need Problems with my Cable T-V!My Puppy is biting at my big toe, my wife is yelling at me because I'm not helping around the house and I'M TIRED!My favorite football team is playing and I can't watch it because it's blacked out and Cable T-V charges too much!!I'll watch the news.... What in God's name is wrong now? The picture's blurry!!! ....... Geeze, she's yelling again and he's humping my leg. I CAN'T W…
- Lord Almighty, A Christian Site
Lord Almighty, A Christian Site
Jesus is lord! Wheee!!!!
So there I was, just cruising the internet looking for a batch of pornography. I go to www.busty-amateurs.com, an old-time favorite site, and what do I see!? No content, no join, no free-tour (heh, what I used everytime), no news, just 'Jesus Christ is Lord.' And below that 'Click Here for Freedom.' Yeah, okay, so about this time, I was in the mood for some freedom. So I hit that shit up, and it basically brought me to this …
- How to Satisfy Your Wife By Elizabeth Goodchilde
I have just been left in such a state of complete sexual exhaustion that even Jude Law and Brad Pitt couldn't arouse my interest, never mind anything more substantial. Indeed, such is my repletion, that I fear I may never again be able to grip a Romeo y Julietta half-corona between my thighs.But I am rushing ahead; you are no doubt agog to know how my husband drove me to such a pitch of sensory fulfillment and why I am typing this wearing only a rather torn and excessively moist, black lace th…
- Dumb Luck By Darlene Zagata
I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I don't have much of a sense of humor at all. My ex-husband used to tell me dumb jokes all the time and I didn't laugh, not even to be polite like everyone else would do. Yet the strange thing is that people who've read some of my life stories have found them to be hilarious. I'm not sure if that's good or bad considering those stories actually happened.Let me put it another way: I'm not really funny; I just do dumb things. What kind of thing…
- Bat Ejection Techniques - Country Survival Course #27
People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. 'Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,' friends say. Liars!
Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different surroundings. No …
- Who Cares What Critics Think?
Why do entertainment critics exist as writers for newspapers? They embroil me each time I read their reviews. A market research report with a sample size of one would be worthless to a company. Yet, how well a movie, a play, or a CD fares is based on an opinion rendered by one person. Even a batch of critics' opinions is a very small sampling. Sales of entertainment offerings either soar or plummet because their personal tastes were either positively or negatively stimulated. Why do we rely so h…
- How to write funny ideas and make easy money.
Avoid Cliches and you miss the joke!
'Avoid cliches' - that's what would-be writers are always being warned. But in comedy writing,CLICHES offer a rich source of humor. In fact many cliches can be easily and directly used as cartoon captions. As you know a cliche is an overused expression that has lost its freshness and becomes predictable. These expressions are so commonplace, people can relate to and understand them easily. Another reason why cliches are popularly used in humor is because of t…
- Lord Almighty, A Christian Site By Andy Carloff
Jesus is lord! Wheee!!!!So there I was, just cruising the internet looking for a batch of pornography. I go to www.busty-amateurs.com, an old-time favorite site, and what do I see!? No content, no join, no free-tour (heh, what I used every time), no news, just "Jesus Christ is Lord." And below that "Click Here for Freedom." Yeah, okay, so about this time, I was in the mood for some freedom. So I hit that offer up, and it basically brought me to this weird Christian site. I was like, "No…
- A WORD ABOUT "INTELLIGENT" SHOES and DUMB SOULS
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.A WORD ABOUT 'INTELLIGENT' SHOES & DUMB SOULS-- Or, Boosting Your Boots' IQ ...But Still Running Around in Circles? --By Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a latitudinarian linguist from the University of Ecum Secum in Old Sweat, Nova Scotia (with an abiding interest in the history of fetish footwear, how an Old Mother managed to raise her brood in a shoe, and why one sportswear company decided to market an “intelligent” sneaker in a world full of tortoises and…
- IN A BUSY WORLD WE STILL NEED TO TAKE TIME TO LAUGH
In many ways, the American home faces the danger of becoming a vanishing institution. Along with its extinction, the family unit as we know it is in danger. Children are not growing up in homes anymore. They are growing up in terminals.In reality, the American family does not need a home. We are born in a hospital, educated in a college, courted in an automobile and married in a church.We get our food at the delicatessen and restaurant. We spend our mornings at golf, our afternoons at the club …
- All That Flapping About Has To Stop
What a pleasant man that Rick Stein is. Only the other night, as I tucked into Mrs Holmes’ latest offering and flicked through the channels before settling down with his show (yes, another TV dinner) was I really made aware of this.Pleasant-ish anyway. He seems a little heavy handed with his ingredients at times -when they’re still alive- for my taste but I’m not overly worried by this. I think that’s just twinges on my part because I’m still feeling guilty about falling off the vegetarian wago…
- Cloning Advantage Super Families By Lance Winslow
As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one’s own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind’s greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this to a large degree, purposing the idea of eternal salvation for a promise of the individual in this …
- Catharsis and Roller Coasting
Being born a Floridian doesn't necessarily mean I'm genetically predisposed towards seeking refuge amongst large swarms of humanity wandering aimlessly around, taking touristy pictures while being jerked across the walkway by a 4 year old who's just seen the Grinch.Lest you get the wrong impression of me, I'm not anti-social, demographically prejudiced or hermitic, but until recently I just simply didn't see the point of rounding up kids, cameras, extra clothing, food, more food and stuffing al…
- The Food Pyramid By Bob Wood
Just a few calories ago, the government revised the food pyramid. You can see it at http://www.mypyramid.gov/
It has a snazzy new logo with a stick figure dashing up the Steps To a Healthier You on the side of the pyramid. It’s supposed to be in better tune with our complicated modern life, the latest Scientific Thought, and reflect a customized pyramid which better fits our lifestyle, not that there’s anything wrong with that. They have an animation, a mini-poster for the art-impaired, and…
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Just One Of Those Hellish Days
-------------------------------------------------Just One Of Those Hellish Days…-------------------------------------------------by Dagmar RakosThat was one of those days - I call them hell days, my friendscall them haunted - when nothing seemed to work.Everything what could go wrong, went.First my main desktop computer played it's favorite 'deadbeetle' game and didn't want to turn on until I forced it withthe main On/Off switch at the back.Then my ISP provider pretended I don't exist and quietl…
Waiting For The Cut
After 'Waiting For Godot.'Two men, STEVE and HAROLD, both in their early twenties, and with long hair styles, are standing outside a small hair cutting salon on a sweltering August afternoon. The salon is closed. STEVE, after offering a cigarette to HAROLD—who waves it off—lights one himself and begins to pace.STEVE: [Checking his watch.] I hate fucking Brooklyn. HAROLD: [Wipes his face with a balled-up handkerchief.] Brooklyn? I don’t know about Brooklyn. Brooklyn may not be as terrible as I t…
What Are You In For? By John Dir
First off, I would like to say that our society should do a lot more than it does about making people aware of the consequences of their actions. Can you imagine being taken to prison in cuffs and leg irons, to spend the next 15 years of your life figuring out how you are going to pay off the $250,000 fine you will owe in restitution for your crime when you finally get out of jail? To make matters even worse, you discover on your first day in the big house that the guy you are sharing your c…
Tax Jokes and Quotes
Tax Jokes and QuotesDo you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND? Quote: “Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress.” -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner Disappointed that you never had time to write the great American novel? Don’t fret, just go dig out your past tax returns. Quote: 'The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.' Under the Freedom of Information Act…
WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACEBy Patience PantperhogToday’s modern workplace is awash in buzzwords, bafflegab, and all manner of blessed bumpf to wade through or digest over a morning latte with a dab of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top.The never-ending drive to increase profits means employees everywhere must hunker down with their noses to the grindstone or else hustle their bustles out the door every day in search of new business.So, it's not…